House Democrats made a huge splash when they unveiled their Green New Deal proposal, which is designed to drastically transform the United States. The plan would make the country more environmentally friendly while also promoting socialist policies. Several Democratic lawmakers, including Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY), Sen. Kamala Harris (D-CA) and others, have touted the deal, claiming that it will protect the world’s population from the rapidly approaching threat of climate change.
But it would be inaccurate to claim that the majority of Americans are on board with the proposal. The Green New Deal has drawn criticism from both the left and the right, and many have stated that the plans outlined in the proposal are impossible to implement. On the other hand, some have argued that the deal doesn’t go far enough.
The Foundation for Preventing the Climate Change Holocaust (FPCCH) has excoriated House Democrats for putting forth a plan that is milquetoast in comparison to the group’s own agenda. An FPCCH proposal, which the group calls the Greener Newer New Deal (GNND), would go much farther than Ocasio-Cortez and her band of wishy-washy progressives. Liberty Nation sat down with various members of the organization to learn more.
No More Nukes
Even though nuclear power is known as one of the most effective and low-emission sources of energy, progressives have been on a decades-long crusade against it. Under the Green New Deal, the United States would shut down every nuclear plant in the country. But the FPCCH wants to take it a step further. “We detest all things nuclear: Nuclear weapons, nuclear power, nuclear families – they’re all horrible manifestations of racism, sexism, and the white male patriarchy,” said Joey Sam, the organization’s assistant director.
When House Democrats were questioned on how the Green New Deal will bring about the changes outlined in their proposal, the answers amounted to “We’ll find a way.” The same holds true for the FPCCH, which takes it further, stating that the group will “really find a way.”
No More Planes
One of the most notable goals of the Green New Deal is for the U.S. to eliminate the use of fossil fuels. This would mean phasing out cars that run on oil-based fuel, such as gasoline or diesel. Under the deal, every automobile would be electric, and the government would “install chargers everywhere.” But since this conversion could not be applied to air travel, the Democrats have come up with a novel idea: No more planes! Instead, Americans will rely on high-speed trains!
The Greener Newer New Deal would follow the same plan, but unlike House Democrats, the FPCCH understands that even electric cars use some fossil fuels. As a result, the GNND will eliminate cars, trucks, motorcycles, and even gas-powered lawnmowers. Electric trains will be the only method of transportation, other than horse and buggy.
You might be thinking, “But aren’t trains much slower and less convenient than airplanes?” Yes, but according to Jake Skyler, a transportation consultant for the FPCCH, the organization is working with Flaggart Transcontinental to develop electric trains that run “really, really fast and stuff.” Indeed, the entire railroad industry is expected to make a massive resurgence if the Greener Newer New Deal is implemented. Skyler told Liberty Nation: “We are currently experimenting with innovative new models of engines that will make our passengers feel just like they’re on a plane, except without the wings, speed, or peanuts. Oh, and with numerous stops before they arrive at their destination. That’s the only major difference. Now if you will excuse me, I have a phone call waiting with this John Galt guy.”
The FPCCH plans to launch a targeted marketing campaign against air travel to build anti-plane sentiment amongst the American public. “Let’s be clear,” Skyler added, “Airplanes are evil. We plan to stage a demonstration calling for the removal of statues depicting Wilbur and Orville Wright, who were blatant white supremacists and used flight to oppress minorities.”
The Problem Of Bovine Flatulence
While the FPCCH’s environmental proposal seeks to improve upon the Democrats’ suggested solutions, there is one area in which the Greener Newer New Deal surpasses the Green New Deal: Cow farts. That’s right. The “frequently asked questions” portion of the GND discussed flatulent cows and their methane-infused “emissions.” So what’s their beef with cattle? Apparently cow discharges are harmful to the environment.
The House Democrats who drafted the document acknowledged the difficulty involved in eliminating the dire threat of cows breaking wind because there is simply no way to get rid of the animals. Jack Baskin, the FPCCH’s resident expert on cattle gas, pushed back against this sentiment: “They say we can’t dispose of cows, but I say ‘why not?’ What’s so special about these beasts? Maybe the solution is to kill them,” he said with a disturbing smirk and a glint in his eye. “We should kill them all!”
What About Income?
The Green New Deal proposes that the government should guarantee “family-sustaining wages” for every American, especially for those “unable” and even “unwilling” to work. Again, they do not explain how the state could make this a reality, but none of this matters unless you are a hateful bigot.
The FPCCH has an even better solution: No employment whatsoever. “Ocasio-Cortez and her ilk want to give free money to people who are unable to work and those who just don’t want to work,” said Ingrid Burd, labor policy advisor for the organization. Burd indicated that people who do not want employment are on the right track:
“I mean, what’s so wonderful about working anyway? Isn’t employment a bit overrated? Our plan would ensure that every American will receive a full salary from the federal government without having to earn a living. Instead, under our proposal, the government will invest 80% of its funds into creating and manufacturing robots that can do all of the work for us!”
A Better Way Forward?
The progressive left is working day and night to turn the United States into a socialist nation under the guise of combating the threat of climate change. Their goals might be ambitious, but it doesn’t matter because they are woke and they will not allow racist, sexist, homophobic science deniers to stand in their way. One thing is for sure, if the social democrats get their way, America might see the fundamental transformation that Obama wanted.
http://www.libertynation.com/satire-green-new-deal-withering/
Realist - Everybody in America is soft, and hates conflict. The cure for this, both in politics and social life, is the same -- hardihood. Give them raw truth.
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