A wealthy socialite had a night out on the town with
her friends. She awoke the next morning, totally naked
and with a monster of a hangover. So she rang for the
butler and asked for a cup of strong black coffee.
"Jameson" she said, "I can't remember a thing about last
night. How did I get to bed?"
"Well Madam, I carried you upstairs and put you to bed"
"But my dress?"
"It seemed a pity to crumple it, so I took it off and
hung it up"
"But what about my underwear?"
"I thought the elastic might stop the circulation, so I
took the liberty of removing them."
"What a night!" she said. "I must have been tight!"
The "Foo" bird
In ancient times there was a community known as the Goodnu's. As all communities did in these times the Goodnu's lived right on the river bank for trading, transportation and sustenance. Water was almighty and worshipped as a God. One day there was a tremendous hurricane far out in the ocean. It's ferocity blew a large flock of "Foo" birds way off course sending them inland many hundreds of miles and in the vicinity of the Goodnu's community. The Goodnu people had never seen a "Foo" bird and were quite curious as to it's sudden and obviously evil presence. The "Foo" bird, as we all know, is a very ugly, evil-looking bird. This caused the Goodnu people to become very uneasy believing they did something wrong to God and that this bird should be avoided. One day a "Foo" bird flew overhead and screeched: "Foo, Foo" and shit on a Goodnu's head. The man ran screaming into the river believing the Holy powers of the river would cleanse him of this evil turd and its consequences. As soon as the man washed this unholy turd from his ear canal he suddenly keeled over and died. The Goodnu's were now convinced of the "Foo" bird's evilness. The next day a woman was outside and heard: "Foo, Foo". Before she could react the "Foo" bird dropped a bomb landing a syrupy turd across her face. Shocked and panicked she ran into the river furiously washing her face of this sloppy stew. The village watched in horror as this woman also died once cleansed of the runny turd. The very next day a village wiseman heard those famous words: "Foo, Foo". He like others had witnessed the terrible deaths of two of his villages' people in the last two days. He too was struck right in the forehead by the "Foo" birds accurately guided turd missile. His first reaction was confusion and he sprinted towards the river. However, he stopped short and thought of his obvious demise should he cleanse the turd wafer from his forehead. He did not cleanse the poo pile from his forehead and lived. So the wiseman went to the other people of the village, gathered them around and stated to them: "There is an obvious lesson here my good people. The moral of this story is: 'If the Foo shits, wear it.'".
To say that "God exists" is the greatest understatement ever made across space and time.
Just in case some of you have gotten a little rusty on your conversion tables...
1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese Soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
7. 365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer = 1 Lite year
8. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
9. Half a large intestine = 1 semicolon
10. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
11. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
12. Shortest distance between two jokes = a straight line
13. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
14. 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
15. 1 million bicycles = 1 megacycle
16. 365 bicycles = 1 unicycle
17. 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
18. 10 cards = 1 decacard
19. 52 cards = 1 deckacards
20. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
21. 1000 cc's of wet socks = 1 literhosen
22. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
23. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
24. 10 rations = 1 decaration
25. 100 rations = 1 C-Ration
26. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
27. 8 nickels = 2 paradigms
28. 5 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = One I.V. League
The following speech was given by 6th grader Sophie Paterson at the Central
Hawkeโs Bay Primary Schools Rotary speech competition in New Zealand.
Hi, today I am going to talk to you about farts.
Some people think farts are rude and some people think farts are funny, like
me.
I think farts are hilarious.
Farting is a fact of life. Everybody farts. The Queen farts, superstars fart
and I fart. We will fart until the day we die.
And apparently a person can still fart after death!!
Do you know why we fart?
Flatulence, wind or farts, whatever you like to call them, is the production
of the mixture of gases in the digestive tract, that are by products of the
digestive process.
The average person farts about 14 times a day, which produces about half a
litre of fart gas.(Personally, I think I fart more than 14 times a day).
Farts are made up of the following: Nitrogen, the main ingredient making up
59 percent; next behind is hydrogen at 21 percent; 9 percent carbon dioxide;
7 percent methane, 3 percent oxygen and 1 percent other stuff.
But listen to this - hydrogen sulphide is the compound that makes them
stink!
Here are the top 10 farter's:
1. Termites
2. Camels
3. Zebras and my pony Free
4. Sheep
5. Cows
6. Elephants
7. Labradors and retrievers
8. Humans (vegetarians)
9. Humans (non-vegetarians)
10. Gerbils (also known as the
desert rat)
If If you are going to fart, do not sit by flames, because farts are very
flammable.
Also, they can come motoring out of your body at 10 kmh.
No wonder some of you have holes in your undies!
Please do not panic if you find yourself trapped in a small space like a
closet, as it is impossible to suffocate in your own farts. Unless Ben (my
little brother) is in there with you!
Anyway next time you fart, donโt think itโs rude. Just know that
everybottie, oops, I mean, everybody, farts.
Thank you for listening to my fartastic speech.
Hereโs a little poem that Iโd like to share with you.
A trump is a violent explosion
It comes from the Valley of Bum
It rolls up and down your trouser leg
And comes out with a violent hum!
There was a young fellow called Steve
Who farted whenever he pleased
With buttocks a-thunder
He forced gas asunder
And blew all the leaves off the trees!
A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-
law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke
to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted
on them both trying to find her mother.
The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and
started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they
came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up
against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood
facing her.
The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"
"Nothing," said the husband. "The lion got himself into
this mess, let him get himself out of it."
I was waiting in a check-out line the other day and a couple were arguing
about whose turn it was to pay.
I was kinda listening until I heard the lady said to the guy,
"Stop being a scrote."
With a furrowed brow I asked, "What's a scrote?"
Without missing a beat the lady responded, "Short for scrotum.
He is somewhere between a pr*ck and an a**hole."
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will
be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was
the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English
spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in
plan that would become known as 'Euro-English'.
In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make
the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of
'k'. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with 'f'. This will make words like
fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to
reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always
ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is
disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as
Replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou'
and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu
understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze
forst plas.
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