JULY 31, 2011
Debt Ceiling is Raised Before Tea Party Understands What It Is
GOP Begins Hard Work of Creating Next Crisis
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – In an historic eleventh-hour bipartisan accord, the United States’ debt ceiling was raised Sunday night before the Tea Party understood what it was.
In an effort to gain as many Tea Party votes as possible, the debt ceiling bill was drafted entirely in one-syllable words, congressional aides said.
But even as the final agreement was being put to bed, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) urged his Republican colleagues not to rest on their laurels: “Now, let us begin the hard work of creating the next crisis.”
According to those close to the negotiations, the GOP in Congress were under pressure to get a deal done before the observance of the official Republican holiday, Shark Week.
Additionally, the Chinese government had warned that if the U.S. defaulted on its Treasuries, China was prepared to take full ownership of Washington and rename it Wang Chung.
In the end, though, Sen. McConnell said the Republicans stood to benefit the most from striking a deal that warded off financial calamity: “We deserve full credit for finding the antidote, even though we were the ones who administered the poison.”
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