"Don't worry about getting older ... you still get to do stupid stuff, only slower."
"When people tell me, 'You're gonna regret that in the morning!," I sleep in until noon ... because I'm a problem solver."
"You never realize what you have until it's gone. Toilet paper is a good example."
"When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye with it."
"Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you're drunk."
"I don't have a dirty mind ... I have a sexy imagination."
"Caution: when someone says, 'Get a grip!' ... apparently, around their neck is NOT what they meant."
"I do not burn bridges. I loosen the bolts a little bit each day."
"Life is too short to be serious all the time. So, if you can't laugh at yourself ... call me ... and I will laugh at you."
"My stomach is flat. The 'L' is just silent."
"The trash gets picked up, tomorrow. Be ready."
"Sorry for being late ... I just got caught up enjoying my last few minutes of not being here."
"The last thing Jennifer Ansiton told me was, 'Classy women don't have one-night stands ... we have auditions. You just didn't get a callback.'"
"The only reason I'm fat is because you can't fit all this personality in a tiny body."
"Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but, it can muffle the sound."
"We're all here on Earth to help others. What on Earth the others are here for, I don't know."
"Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it becomes a beautiful day."
"Arguing with a woman is like getting arrested ... everything you say can and will be used against you."
"Life is hard. When you fall down, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and say, 'WHO THE HELL JUST PUSHED ME?!'"
"Sorry ... yesterday was the final deadline for all complaints."
"The chains on my mood swing just snapped ... run."
The essential American soul is hard, isolate, stoic, and a killer. It has never yet melted. ~ D.H. Lawrence
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