The Republican response to the Democratic response to Trump
by Tom Toles
Fellow Americans, now is not the time to quibble with a dictator. We, as the Republican Party, know better than anyone how it is time to put away our values of the past and knuckle under to an ignorant, careless maniac. For the sake of unity. The president demands no less.
Some things are more important than responsible budgeting, which has been our signature, defining principle, at least rhetorically. Unity, behind a crazed, reckless tax-cutter, is one of those things.
Voting rights are another, something we have all given lip service to at one time or another. But what’s important now is to use the issue of voter fraud as a way to engage in even larger voter fraud of our own and simultaneously suppress the opportunity to vote among people who we have reason to believe will vote the wrong way. Can’t we all unify behind the president on this?
Our critics ask, “What about truth?” Our response is: “What about it?" We say, as the president does, in a tone of real-sounding sincerity, that all statements or facts critical of the president are fake. We don’t have to believe them, and neither do you. Simple capitulation to the president’s version is sufficient. And compliance to his wishes, too, of course. This is the real meaning of unity, and the reason that the Founders called this the UNITED States of America. They had the foresight to know that one day Donald Trump would be president, and this is what they would have wanted us to do.
President Trump, in soaring rhetoric, has told us that it’s his way or the highway, and that he wants national unity behind his way or we will suffer the consequences. If they hit you, he has said repeatedly, hit them back harder. If everybody acted this way, what a fine mess we’d be in. So just the president can act this way. Unity.
And this is not just empty talk from us. We have led by example. We have acted, as a party, like complete and shameless slithering invertebrates in our subservience to our leader. Slithering, by example, is our party’s national message, and we call on all Americans to slink and creep beside us into the future. Thank you, and Donald Trump bless America.
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OCU
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